| Why didn't I think of that? How many times | | | | ONE bundle of grapes...not 248 individual |
| have we all asked that question? When it | | | | grapes...yes, you do have 248 grapes, |
| comes to humor, funny things happen to us all | | | | sir...but, they are all in one bundle...am I |
| the time. I think the reason why more people | | | | confusing you...or am I confusing ME?" The |
| don't have more humor in their lives, is | | | | clerk smiled, but I didn't get the laugh I |
| because they don't CAPTURE the incident when | | | | thought I would get. So, when a person does |
| it happened! And, if you have a memory like | | | | spontaneous humor, you never know what you're |
| mine (forget it), you will never, remember | | | | going to get. In this case, I didn't get |
| the incident the way it happened!I wrote this | | | | what I wanted, but maybe that's was just |
| article, because I want to show the reader | | | | "sour grapes" on my part! (pun |
| how there is humor all over the place...IF | | | | intended)DECISIONS; DECISIONS:I'm getting |
| you just look for it!AROUND THE HOME: I | | | | tired of making so many decisions during my |
| share with you some of things that happen | | | | lifetime! I need a break! It seems like |
| around the house and other places.A few years | | | | everywhere I go, I have to make a |
| ago, I was sick as a dog with a bad cold and | | | | decision...and it's getting old!* I go into a |
| flu! I was in bed for about a week! The | | | | department store to buy a shirt, and go up to |
| chest congestion I had, was so deep that I | | | | the counter to pay for it, and the clerk asks |
| lost my voice to a whisper! Coughing all the | | | | me, "Sir, will this be cash...or charge?" |
| time, made things worse! This agony lasted | | | | (S-C-R-E-A-M!)* I go to the pizza joint, and |
| for about two weeks.One day, the doorbell | | | | order a pizza and the clerk asks me, "Sir, do |
| rang, and with nobody around to answer the | | | | you want thick and chewy or thin and crispy?" |
| door, I got up and answered it. There was a | | | | (S-C-R-E-A-M!)* I go to the ice cream store |
| young man standing there who was about | | | | to get some ice cream, and the clerk asks me, |
| fourteen years of age and he said:Newspaper | | | | "Sir, do you want a cup or a cone?" |
| boy: "I'm collecting for the morning | | | | (S-C-R-E-A-M!)* I go into the grocery store |
| newspaper, sir."And, in a WHISPERING voice I | | | | to pick up a few items, and I pay for them |
| asked, "How much is it?"In his own WHISPERING | | | | and the bag boy or girl asks me, "Sir, do you |
| voice the paper boy responded, "$7.50."At | | | | want plastic or paper?" (S-C-R-E-A-M!)* * |
| which time I responded in a WHISPERING voice, | | | | * |
| "Oh, you don't have to WHISPER, young man, I | | | | |
| have a terrible cold and the flu, and I lost | | | | I've been a football fan most of my life and |
| my voice!"Again, the young man responded in a | | | | I like to watch a game on occasion. When my |
| WHISPERING voice, "Whether I WHISPER or not, | | | | wife and I were dating, I asked her if she |
| sir, the bill is still $7.50!"Here are two | | | | liked football and if she knew anything about |
| people WHISPERING at the front door, as if we | | | | the game. Her answer, "Sure, I know a lot |
| were in a library. During this short | | | | about football." I was a little skeptical, |
| exchange with the paper boy, the more I | | | | so I gave her a little quiz, and asked her |
| laughed at what was happening the more | | | | what's a first down. Her answer, "That's the |
| painful it was! As you can see, there can be | | | | first player that gets knocked down," she |
| humor knocking at your front door.IN THE WORK | | | | said. |
| PLACE:I knew a man and wife, named Kathy and | | | | |
| Rick Nelson, who worked at the same company I | | | | (somebody get me some aspirin!)* * |
| did. They had a baby, and were having | | | | * |
| trouble coming up with a name that they could | | | | |
| both agree on. This tug-of-war between them | | | | Because my computer blew up, I was going to |
| went on for weeks, and they still couldn't | | | | a local community college located near-by to |
| come up with a name for their baby that they | | | | use their computers, until I could replace |
| could agree on. So, they decided to put a | | | | mine. The computer lab has about 65-70 |
| notice up on the blackboard in the break room | | | | computers for students and public use. One |
| at work, and to ask fellow-employees for any | | | | day, a woman came into the lab, and searched |
| suggestions they may have for the Nelson's | | | | all around the lab to see if there was a |
| baby. The following | | | | computer available. That day, it was a |
| | | | packed house and no computers were available. |
| suggestions appeared for the Nelson's | | | | She asked me what she could do, and in my, |
| baby:Baby Face Nelson | | | | "off the wall humor," I said to her, "Why |
| | | | don't you yell out FIRE!"STOP; LOOK AND |
| Full Nelson (wrestling term) | | | | LISTEN...and, if you do that, you'll get more |
| | | | ideas and more ideas for humor! In today's |
| Half-Nelson (wrestling term)OUT IN THE | | | | fast-paced society, people are running around |
| STREETS AND AROUND TOWN:Something that really | | | | so fast, I don't think they know if they're |
| annoys me, is when I go into a store through | | | | coming or going. STOP! People have to slow |
| the IN door...there is somebody coming the | | | | down a little! They have to stop and smell |
| other way and goes OUT through the IN door! | | | | the roses. Set a little time aside for |
| And, when I finish taking care of my business | | | | yourself...free of cell phones, lap tops; and |
| in the store, I proceed OUT the | | | | no Blackberry, no blueberries, no |
| OUTdoor...only to have somebody come IN the | | | | strawberries; no wine berries; no |
| OUT door! I've never been a conformist, so | | | | cranberries...do you get my drift ?LOOK: Pay |
| maybe I should change my ways. Next time I | | | | more attention to the things around you. As |
| go to the store, I should do what everybody | | | | you saw the newspaper boy story; the Nelson's |
| else does. Go IN the OUT door and come OUT | | | | and the baby story; the things in a store. |
| the IN door! | | | | One of the most important tools that I do, is |
| | | | to carry a small spiral notebook with me, so |
| (People who do this, have what I call, that | | | | ideas don't get away. Even if I just jot |
| "ice cream truck mentality," | | | | down one word, I can remember it later on and |
| ding-a-ling...ding-a-ling!)* * | | | | work on the idea. It seems like when I write |
| * | | | | something down, I'll remember it, but if I |
| | | | don't I have trouble remembering. Try it for |
| I love this one. One day, I was craving | | | | a while.LISTEN: Stop talking about yourself |
| for an ice cream cone, one day, so I went | | | | so much, and listen to others for a change! |
| into a fast-food restaurant and ordered one. | | | | They're are people in this country who are so |
| The young man behind the counter asked me, | | | | obsessed, and see nobody else but themselves. |
| "Sir, do you want that ice cream cone for | | | | Example: Driving in the morning, there are |
| HERE...or do you want it to GO?" | | | | people who go to work...as they admire |
| (Hell-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!) (Please | | | | themselves in the rear-view mirror. You know |
| don't make me scream!)IF YOU DON'T SEE | | | | the type...throwing kisses to |
| ANYTHING FUNNY...WHY DON'T YOU MAKE SOMETHING | | | | themselves...not a hair out of place; the |
| UP:Most of us have a craving for something at | | | | make-up and lipstick are just fine ; a |
| some time or another...Mexican food, pickles; | | | | little powder puff on the nose...and, I've |
| donuts and so forth. One day, I was craving | | | | seen a lot of WOMEN do this, too, on their |
| green seedless grapes, and I had to have | | | | way to work! I think we're talking about |
| some, or I was going to go crazy! So, I went | | | | listening, here...are you listening? |
| to the grocery store and got the grapes. | | | | HELLO?Nobody starts out in any endeavor as a |
| When I went to pay for the grapes, I thought | | | | professional. I have a big advantage, when |
| I would have a little fun with the grocery | | | | it comes to humor, because I've been in it |
| clerk.The Express line sign reads: "20 items | | | | for over forty years. So, it's been a long |
| or less." There was nobody around in the | | | | learning period for me, and it will be a long |
| express line, so I headed over there to check | | | | learning period for you, too! But, everyone |
| out, and I asked the clerk, "I have about 248 | | | | has to start someplace, and if you're |
| seedless grapes here, and I'm over the limit, | | | | interested in getting more humor into your |
| so can you check me out since there are lines | | | | life, I encourage you to do so. Good luck! |
| over at the other registers? The clerk | | | | And, as the Humor Doctor always says, "Take |
| looked at me like I needed help. "Yes, I | | | | two aspirin, and DON'T ever call me in the |
| can check you out here, because you only have | | | | morning! |