| -- End Ad Box ---> | | | | when they first learned to ride a bike and kept falling |
| Giving advice to a teenager is very easy; getting a | | | | off. Making mistakes is a natural part of the learning |
| teenager to take that advice is another matter | | | | process; more learning comes from making mistakes |
| altogether. It's not only a case of the advice 'falling on | | | | than comes from getting it 'right'. How much does it |
| deaf ears', sometimes the teenager seems to go | | | | really matter if they don't get it 'right' first time or |
| deliberately out of their way to do the exact opposite, | | | | choose the 'best' alternative? |
| that's when you know you’ve got a problem. | | | | Finally, is your solution the 'best'? It’s easy to |
| So how do you go about giving advice to a teen? | | | | forget that our children are different to us when |
| The short answer to this question is "don't". Now at | | | | thinking about a solution to a problem. The solution may |
| first glance this probably sounds ridiculous, after all | | | | be the best one for you, but is it the best one for your |
| parents have more experience of life and most would | | | | teen? |
| agree that a parent's job is to pass this experience | | | | Giving advice by telling teens what to do is only one |
| onto their children. But the problem with giving advice is | | | | way of passing on a parent’s knowledge, there |
| that it's really just a way of maintaining control. We | | | | are other ways of achieving the same outcome and |
| often cover it up by saying we know what's best in | | | | with a higher likelihood of success. And it's how you |
| the situation, we have the experience and knowledge, | | | | pass on that experience that makes the difference. |
| but in reality what we're saying is what we want to | | | | How to Get Your Point Across |
| happen, this is what we want you to do. | | | | 1. Ask before you give. Always ask your teen if they |
| Adolescence is a time for learning to self-manage, to | | | | want your advice before you start to give it. If they |
| take responsibility for yourself and your actions. It's an | | | | say, "yes please" then go ahead and have your say, if |
| essential process if your teen is to become a | | | | they say "no" respect their decision and keep quiet. |
| well-adjusted, fully functioning adult ready for the 21st | | | | 2. Question their intent. If your teen has refused advice, |
| century. And a fundamental part of the process is | | | | ask them specific questions about how they're going |
| handing over control to your teen. | | | | to handle the situation. Asking questions about smaller |
| For most parents this is a really scary thought. They're | | | | 'parts' of the problem is a way to at least get your |
| concerned over what will happen if they do, that if | | | | teen to think about what's involved. |
| they give up some control it will mean they lose all | | | | 3. Provide information instead. Directing your teen to a |
| control. But in fact it's not so much about handing over | | | | source of information that's neutral allows your teen |
| total control, its about handing over responsibility and | | | | access to information without having to agree to your |
| accountability. They're concerned about what their | | | | point of view. |
| teen will do, what happens if they get it wrong, they | | | | 4. Give your teen time. Just because your teen hasn't |
| feel a need to protect their teen. | | | | given you an immediate answer to your question |
| Firstly, handing over control at this stage is more about | | | | doesn't mean they're ignoring it. Give them time to go |
| handing over responsibility and accountability on how to | | | | away and think about the answers. |
| do something, not handing over total control. It's about | | | | 5. Highlight their qualities. Reminding teens of their |
| letting your teen have an involvement in how to solve | | | | strengths will focus their minds on choosing options |
| a particular problem, it's about teaching them problem | | | | that make the best of them. Focus on their |
| solving skills. If you always provide the solution how will | | | | weaknesses and they're likely to lose confidence in |
| they ever learn to do it for themselves? | | | | doing anything. |
| Secondly, your teen is very likely to get it 'wrong', to | | | | 6. Listen to your teen. Often just listening to your teen |
| make mistakes and what is wrong about that? You're | | | | without interrupting will show you that you don't even |
| teaching them how to self-correct, just as they did | | | | need to give advice; your teen already has a solution. |