| A miscarriage affects different people in many | | | | knowing what to think. Then when the reality of what |
| different ways. I remember how thrilled I was to find | | | | had happened hit me my heart felt like it had turned to |
| out I was going to be a mother. Going to the doctor at | | | | lead. They kept me till I had passed everything and |
| that time was not a chore but an adventure. They told | | | | was clean from what they told me, but I didn't feel |
| me my due date, and my heart jumped with joy and | | | | clean I felt flawed in some way. When I arrived back |
| love. I loved the little one even before I got to meet him | | | | home I had control of my emotions, so I thought. Till I |
| her. Sitting in the waiting room with all the other | | | | walked in and there by the bed sat the baby jar. I |
| expecting mothers made me feel so full of wonder. | | | | remember sitting on the bed and crying for hours |
| Trying to guess what color eyes he/she would have, | | | | asking why? |
| what color hair. These things ran through my mind all | | | | Since that time I have learned that most women do |
| the time. I was so excited I wanted to run out that day | | | | not carry their first pregnancies past the first three |
| and buy all the baby items I would need. | | | | months. Most women do not even know that they are |
| Being on a tight budget like most families we started a | | | | pregnant when they miscarry. The range of emotions |
| change jar. We called it a baby jar, for all the clothes, | | | | that you go through is wide. There is sadness, anger, |
| diapers and other items that would be needed. When I | | | | and depression. There is guilt; you wonder what you |
| was about twelve weeks along I went to the doctor | | | | did to cause this horrible thing to happen. What you |
| and got to see the baby's heart beat on an ultra | | | | could have done to prevent it. The truth is you didn't |
| sound. I remember thinking how fast it was beating and | | | | cause this, it just happens. If you went back to try to |
| that I reminded me of a butterfly's wings fluttering. Two | | | | change things it would still happen. It just wasn't meant |
| days after my appointment I started spotting, I called | | | | to be at that time. It takes a long time for the hurt to |
| my doctor's office immediately and was told to come | | | | ease, and the fear of it happening again to abate. You |
| in as soon as I could get there. | | | | never forget this little one and they will always be a |
| They took me straight back and ran the ultra sound | | | | part of you. Different things in years to come will |
| again. This time however there was nothing on the | | | | remind you of them. As time passes it is easier to |
| ultra sound. Where the heart beat had been was just | | | | remember. |
| a small black space. I was shocked at first not really | | | | |